| i can't keep on like this |
[6.5.07 - 1.57am] |
| [ |
music |
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peter bjorn&john |
] |
i remember when i was i don't know around 12 or 13 , all i ever thought about was how i couldn't wait to be 18,19, etc. i was in such a hurry to grow up, and i think every kid is, but for some reason i really was. i would do anything to be back at that age. i was completely innocent. what even happened to me. everything was so simple then. you didn't have to worry about watching what you ate... or being skinny enough. you didn't have to worry about having sex with someone... just to keep them around. drugs and alcohol never crossed minds. well mine at least when i was that young. fuck, i still didn't really have interest in boys when i was 12 and 13. well... ryan bell. but i mean shit, thats a given. i still am completely in love with that kid. i want that back so much.
my life consists of cocaine, alcohol, sex, dszgfhrdsjfdv.
yeah i could change that... but i wont.
so i have no reason to be bitching about it at all.
i like my lifestyle... even though i know it's not healthy, its just what im immune to i guess. i guess i turn to drugs and alcohol to fill a missing void in my life. which is something iv'e yet to figure out. especially whats been going on lately... it helps me to just not care about it, or anything really. which again... is not healthy.
i'm so sick of fucking guys.
it's getting to the point where... i just want to shut off all communication with them. all the boys i come across all want one thing, and one thing only. sorry, i don't work like that.
god, this is so much more to me than just sex.
i don't understand how someone could just fuck someone, and then never talk to them again. sex is supposed to be special, and with someone you actually feel a connection with... i just don't get it. to much to ask for i suppose.
i'm scared im just going to end up alone.
iv'e had ALOT of stupid "flings" with guys. they didn't mean fucking shit.
Iv'e had only two REAL relationships that actually meant something to me.
one in which i totally fucked up... and the other... he fucked up. one in which i still see... and he has a girlfriend now, and it really sucks. and now i feel like a terrible person... because he even cheated on his girlfriend he claims to "love" with me. fucking shit, love is a fucking joke. if you truly love someone... you should be thinking of them at all times, NO ONE else. you shouldn't have to fucking go to someone else.
i'm just really scared i'm never going to find someone.
i mean i know i will... but what if i don't.
i thought i had him at one point... haha JOKES ON ME. im not even getting into that one.
anyways.
chicago... is really the only thing on my mind.
i'm going to just totally focus on myself... and school.
iv'e been having a little to much fun with boys...
and i think its time i put that on hold for a while.
sean and i have been talking again... and hanging out alot.
and hes coming back next weekend... i hate that hes living in bend now, but whatever. im just really scared im going to get attached- like i always do. but i don't know... that boy, does sometime to me. he makes me actually really happy. and thats something i haven't been in a while.
i don't know.
i'm fucking high right now.
this shit probably isn't even ,making since.
thankgod for spell check!
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| fucking drama, |
[5.6.07 - 11.39pm] |
| [ |
music |
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casiotone for the painfully alone |
] |
was the true definition of last night.
so, went to Eugene last night, to hang out with Catherine. it was supposed to be just a really chill night at Max's place, with just a few people, or whatever. we fucking walk in and SIOBHAN and her fucking tag along are sitting on the couch. WHAT THE FUCK ?! im sure if you're reading this and you know the whole siobhan story, you're probably thinking "i hope you beat the shit out of her" i know right? Catherine and i just looked at each other like what the fuck man. i fucking hate that piece of fucking trash. she is the most disgusting person i have ever sadly met in my life. Her and fucking kaity both. two sluts i wish i could un meet.
anyways.
just drank cheap gross wine.
whatever.
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| mmm |
[4.9.07 - 2.07am] |
|
saw grindhouse on friday with eric.
fucking most amazing movie ever.
ferreal, i think i'm in love.
anyways.
got super drunk with eric
and then passed the fuckkk out.
fun weekend.
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| disgusting; |
[4.6.07 - 1.23am] |
| [ |
music |
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velvet underground |
] |
anti depressants, anxiety medication, shrink appointments, losing all my friends, knowing he has a perfect girlfriend,= me.
i promise i wasn't always a drag to be around.
i used to love life, and used to really love being around my friends.
i have no drive to have friends/make new friends.
i have one friend left.
dhabie.
i don't give a fuck that kaity and i aren't friends anymore..
shes a fucking trick ass joke, who sadly isn't going anywhere in life.
i care about justine and i not being friends.
i care about tara and i not being friends.
i care about micah and i not being friends.
i care about sylvia and i not being friends.
i miss mine and tara's apartment.
and micah always coming over.
and us all just being chill; drinking, smoking, just whatever.
my life is a fucking joke right now.
all i replay in my mind is steven and my car wreck.
thats all that goes through my mind.
him putting my arm around him when we were sleeping
him kissing me, just everything.
i wish nothing but evil bazarr wicked shit on his sorry ass.
3 more months, and i will be in chicago.
i will finally be able to start fresh
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| just a little bit |
[3.25.07 - 2.16am] |
| [ |
music |
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silversun pickups |
] |
pretty, just a little more thinner, and maybe I'd be there.
lol @ my fucked up life.
why am i such a slut?
thats what I'd like to know
so i did it again, Thursday, got drunk, fucked, and it didn't mean a fucking thing. nothing. and i'm pretty sure his and mines friendship is ruined.
i'm freaked out by him now, and im sure he feels the same way.
actually fuck him, he got what he wanted, and i'm left feeling disgusted with myself. i have no one to blame, except myself. the baby's on it's way.. im sure.
i'm a fucking mess today.
straight up fucking mess.
everything today reminded me of steven.
fucking dirtbag.
i keep crying,
even @ work i was balling.
and then, i forgot i had put this song on my ipod as i was driving home, guess what dumb song.
that jack black song.. "fuck her gently" or whatever the hell its called.
steven played that song that night
and he was singing to me
i don't care who reads this, and i don't care what the fuck you think of me.
i don't even want to be alive anymore.
my life is shit, nothing will ever be the same again.
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[3.21.07 - 12.00am] |
| [ |
music |
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moldy peaches |
] |
i want be so skinny that I rot from view.
i eat enough to stay alive.
i'm not even in control of my life anymore.
i haven't been for a while.
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| finally; |
[3.19.07 - 12.58am] |
|
life is going really good for me right now..
for the first time in who knows how long.
i don't even care about the bad shit that is going on.
i have a job, that i love.
even though my friends are disappearing from my life, i just don't care.
tonight.. i ran into one of my best friends from high school.. we sadly lost touch after graduation, one being because she was pregnant, and two being i moved.
anyways, so we made a huge scene when we saw each other, ha ha and exchanged numbers and all that good stuff. i love that girl. one of the few people i know who's not afraid to stand up for there self. and really doesn't give a shit what people think. i'm really happy we're re connected. i have a feeling we're going to be seeing A LOT of each other. fuck, im so happy.
anywayss, i'm exhausted and have to wake up and do it all over again.
but like i said, i love my job.
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| i dont deserve to feel fine; |
[3.15.07 - 4.04pm] |
| [ |
music |
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new animal collective |
] |
these are the things I've given myself/
stress.
self pity
no sleep
fear
no time
guilt
i don't deserve him.
and he can do so much better than me.
apparently, hes getting married to this girl.
i don't think iv'e ever suffered so much in my life.
all i think about is him carrying me
holding my hand, kissing my head
dsgfhytgfdc
just everything.
and i remember feeling so safe with him, and the looks girls were giving me when he was holding me at the show, and girls asking him for his picture and him saying no because he was with "his girl"
:c
god fucking kill me.
i can't do it anymore
between this, and everything else.
i don't want to think about it, i cant do it anymore.
why can't i be pretty enough for him :c
what else can i possibly do.
i will never be pretty enough\
ever
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| currently; |
[3.14.07 - 12.33am] |
|
working on bettering myself; mentally&socially
my life lately, friends wise is fucking mess.
coming&going like nothing, we're all just going our own ways.
actually, i'm going my own way.
98.9 % of my friendships falling apart have been my fault.
i'm an emotional wreck, true.
secondly, iv'e been through things this past year, no one should have to go through.
i guess thats "life" right?
no, it's really not. life isn't supposed to be like this.
people shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells, to try and not piss me off.
i feel so terrible, dhabie.
one of the truest, realest, most amazing people i have ever met.
the bestest friend i have ever had..i started pushing her away because of her strong belief in god. she never once has pushed her faith or religion on me, ever.
never has judged me, never has questioned me. instead.. i just assumed she was.
she has never done anything to me, except be there for me, pick me up when im so down i honestly feel like i cant get up. she is the most inspirational person iv'e ever met.
i am so truly lucky to have her in my life.
i don't know what i would do without her, she is meant to be in my life.
iv'e never ONCE doubted mine and hers friendship.
iv'e never had to worry about her talking shit about me, lying to me, just nothing.
she has set such high goals for herself, and accomplished all of them.
i truly love her, and she is my best friend. the true definition of friendship is what her and i have. and i couldn't be more lucky.
one friend of mine, who i thought was a best friend.. has done nothing but bring me down. shit talked me, lied to me. gone out with boys, when iv'e actually really liked them. sadly, i never trusted her with boys. they're definitely first priority in her life. which is very sad. i NEVER had drama in my life, until i met her.
justine&i never really faught, until i met her.
we both are just not good influences to each other i don't think.
iv'e been hurt alot in that friendship.
even though there has been alot of amazing times, there is just a time when i think it all has to end. i feel if i continue to go on being friends with her, i will just be brought down, and sink. and with how i am right now, i really can't allow myself to fall any farther than i already have. i can't deal with your drama any longer, or your loser friends, who sadly... are going no where, and treat you so badly. it hurts to see you hang around... and take that. you know what they do, and you know the harsh words that come out of there mouths, but you continue on with it. and if it didn't involve me, i wouldn't let it be getting in the way of our friendship... but since you've decided to become part of the shit talking about me, then yes it will come between us, obviously. i also wont deal with you, telling everyone and there fucking dog about our problems. when you and i have an argument, the whole world finds out. if something big happens in my life, and its personal, i of course tell you, and you go run and tell everyone.
like the whole Steven issue? before i was so open about it, you went and told your dad, your boyfriend, who else knows. it was personal, that actually hurt my feelings alot. and its not just the Steven thing, its everything. you can never keep your fucking mouth shut about anything. bottom line, you aren't a good friend to me, and im sick of your bullshit.
why do i like being by myself so much?
i have no drive to hangout with anyone.
everything is just so pointless.
thank you steven.
thank you for.. making me such a fucked up person.
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| weird.. |
[3.13.07 - 1.30am] |
|
i had a really fucking weird/amazing phone call tonight.
from.. Ryan bell.
iv'e known/loved this boy since i was in second grade.
we have been off and on for who knows how long.
he was the first person iv'e ever really loved.
i haven't talked to him for.. wow who knows how long, and i really don't know how he got my new number. but it really doesn't matter to me, all that matters is he's back in my life, and i couldn't be happier about that.
i got new medication for my anxiety/sleeping problems.
hopefully it will help me.
i don't want to go back to the hospital ever again!
especially over an anxiety attack.
it's funny, i have a whole army put together who wants to kill Steven.
today.. i tried to tell myself how much better i am than this.
i am generally such a happy person.
ever since this happened you know iv'e been just depressed
im over it!
i don't want to live like this anymore, and i'm not allowing myself to sink.
work is really helping me not think about it, and thank god for that.
i'm getting alot of hours, so im happy about that, i like it alot, its so cute.
im hoping once i get my definite sch. i can get a second job, just so i can be busy all the time.
we'll see.
my parents don't want me working two jobs.. but it's really not there decision.
Chicago in July.
i honestly need to go back right now.
i can't stand Oregon anymore.
i forgot how much i hate it here..
the few "friends" i have aren't even really my friends anymore.
i don't know who to trust, and who not to.
it's sad.
oh well.
i like hanging out by myself.. painting, or taking photo's.
it really actually doesn't bother me.
turn on a pink floyd, or stones album and call it fkn good.
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| iv'e got nothing; |
[3.9.07 - 11.20pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
new young pony club |
] |
i really have lost everything meaningful in my life.
justine is gone.
tara is gone.
dhabie is gone.
micah is gone.
those were my fucking best friends.
my REAL fucking friends.
well i can live without justine, she fucking turned into just a downright bitch.
but the others.. i would give anything to have them in my life again.
dhabie is still there.. but its not the same.
i of course had to fucking fuck everything up with my drinking, and drug using.
i don't know why, but it suddenly hit me really hard tonight.
everything went fucking downhill after the whole fucking steven issue happened.
i seriously want that motherfucker dead.
he took my happiness for life away. he took my happiness for everything away.
i hate being a dumb little depressed bitch all the time.
every guy that is interested in me, i push away.
because i still am only thinking about steven and what happend, and just fuck.
i cant even fucking take this shit anymore.
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| i don't need this. |
[3.1.07 - 11.33pm] |
|
i have a kidney infection& am irregular heartbeat.
there is some other shit going on, but i'm not even going there.
why am i doing this
:c
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| obviously..i have some work to do; ..alot |
[2.28.07 - 1.49am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
between the buried and me |
] |
why the fuck did i ever get involved with him.
iv'e been literally throwing up every time i think about him lately.
i don't know what my fucking deal is, but im not well.
i don't even fucking get out of bed.
kaity is helping me so much with this all, but its beyond anything now.
no matter what guy im with, they will never ever compare to him.
on Sunday.. they're are back.
kaity and i have some devious plan.
after seeing his girlfriend/or whatever the fuck she is i never want him to have to see me again. i hope he is embarrassed.
JUSTINE--
THANK YOU SOO MUCHH FOR LEAVING ME LIKE THIS.
thankyou so fucking much.
i hope i never fucking see your face again.
rot in hell for all i fucking care
thank you for the kind words said to me.
i didn't say one word to you, trying to avoid a fight
but you had to continue to tell me how im basically a loser?
you've killed me with your words, and i don't think i will ever get past this
you were the one person who kept me going, you fucking were my best friend.
i can finally say, iv'e lost everything.
there is no point anymore, there really just isn't
i think its also safe to say iv'e pretty much lost it.
and im scared for myself.
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[2.25.07 - 1.20pm] |
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i'm glad you found your group of friends, and i'm glad i found mine.
it sucks when you lose touch with people.
especially one's that are your bestfriends.
i guess im talking about two people. specifically one more than the other.
oh welll.
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| lolol; |
[2.24.07 - 9.54pm] |
|
boys care about one thing & one thing only.
SEX.
so fucking over it.
i miss kaity lee.
:c
it's been 5 hours since iv'e seen her :c
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| i don't care/ |
[2.13.07 - 11.04pm] |
| [ |
music |
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electric president |
] |
i'm aware that all i do in this is "complain" as some people would put it, but this is my way of getting my emotions out, and i could definitely make it private or just not have one at all.. and like i said the only reason i have this is because my shrink told me it would most likely be helpful, and so far.. it really has helped me get some thoughts sorted out. i just thought i would make it public so everyone could kind of understand my recent moods a little better.. but if you're going to say ignorant bullshit to me about "complaining" then fuckoff, and don't read it. thanks;
so last night, i had a dream about the apartment we stayed at when they were on tour here.
i hate that place.
whenever i think about it.. i literally get sick.
i just think of waking up next to him..and then 10 minutes later him KISSING ME and walking out that door. why did he even fucking kiss me? im sure he knew he didn't have any intention on ever trying to make an attempt to see me again, or do whatever with me again.
so anyways, there i am.. in this fucking guy's apartment.. alone with him. and may i add.. this guy is still sleeping. all im thinking is; cool..MY CAR IS STOLEN, I'M STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE PORTLAND.. i finally get the courage to call my parents, of course there first response was, ARE YOU ON DRUGS? haha and of course mine was.. not today./
i think that is my worst memory ever, was him leaving me there, and watching him leave.. and thinking him and i we're actually going to have something? god what the fuck is wrong with my head! he, im sure had one thing on his mind that night.. and sure enough he got it/ of course he did. and even better.. i got the best results out of sex someone could want right? yeah because i really wanted to be pregnant. i really love how whenever i used to talk to him.. he talked to me asif I CHOSE THAT TO HAPPEN?! sorry.. but it takes two, and im pretty damn sure i spoke up and said something about not wanting to have unprotected sex, but no, he was SO SURE nothing would happen. god, fucking fgt.
i have WAY TO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS.
i need to get a fucking life so maybe i can forget about him for one second.
i want two jobs.
so i will never have any time.
so that will be school plus work=no time
i'm sick of fucking rotting away on the computer
i'm sick of being depressed.
i'm just fucking sick.
i'm going into total isolation mode.
i don't want to see anyone, or anything.
i don't see anyone anyways.
iv'e lost contact with all my friends.
oh well.
either that or.. god has taken over there lives.
fuck that shit.
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| bloodd clots; |
[2.12.07 - 11.29pm] |
| [ |
music |
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mountain goats |
] |
i did awful
today; tomorrow i will do better.
i have roughly 3 weeks, and i will do it.
great, now i get to go back to the doctor on Thursday.
iv'e been having really bad problems again w/ my kidney's, appendix, && just being really weak. i know what it is, but i wont stop.
thanks.
i am going to fail my midterm tomorrow, FYI
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[2.11.07 - 11.04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
new; of montreal |
] |
this is his fkn fgt away message tonight;
"Welcome to my piece of shit life, where behind everycorner is another suprise waiting to make me feel like shit."
LOL!
ferreal buddy, karma is a bitch..isnt it?
how do you know when to let go ?
okay srsly.. i'm really fucking embarrassed.
HE IS WEARING A FUCKING PS2 SHIRT..
the thing is, his life consists of HALO, FINAL FANTASY, AND.. his shitty ass fucking band.
i'm sorry sweetheart, but SCARY KIDS SCARING KIDS IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
fgt.
give it up, ferreal.
he isn't attractive to me at all anymore.
i don't know how i let myself sink to that level.
if this is how i feel, why do i still cry all the fucking time?
zfdcsgdfaf
:c
i just want to drink beer all fucking day, smoke cigarette's, and listen to some fkn motley crue!
i think this is what i will be doing.
i have to study for my midterm.. why not do it half ass drunk.
i like how i don't care that i'm not friends with anyone anymore.
i also like how all those people.. are fucking fake&low life's.
all that matters is my bestfriend, and if i have her then i really don't give a fuck.
i love you justinee <3
the two albums running my life right now are the new maylene and the sons of disaster, and the new Damien rice.
fucking knarly shit right there.
do it up.
srssly.
god damn it.
i just want to stop thinking about him;
:c
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| i loved you first; |
[2.8.07 - 7.04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the unicorns |
] |
he took this for me, and i was there.
:c
this will never get easier.
why the hell would i ever want him back.
he is a fucked up person, who fucked me up royal.
i should have known, just from everything prior to what happened.. everything him and i had was just fucking sick&volatile;
there really is nothing left of me, i'm such a fucking mess.
my head is messed up, my thoughts are SCREWED up, i'm just very uptight now and very.. hostile.
i don't want him back, i don't want to hold his fucking hand again, or have perfect fucking sex with him. i'm sorry for being so candid, but Jesus Christ.
i just wish i would have avoided ever meeting you.
and i know you think that about me, and thats what kills me.
i'm so sick of all this.
and i wish i could smash your god damn face&career.
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[2.7.07 - 11.27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sufjan |
] |
i cried, myself to sleep last night.
Andrew McMahon is probably one of the most talented people i have ever came in contact with. his piano playing skills, lyrics, voice. Jesus Christ.
every time i see them live, it is so inspiring.
it's hard to have so much respect for someone, and idolize someone so much.. and not have them know you even exist.
for 6 years i have looked up to him, and his music.
meeting him though, completed my life.
meeting him twice actually.
anyways;
i'm really fucking irritable today..
i painted some, and cut some pictures up.
:(
i was trying to not think about him, but i can't even help it.
it would make me happy to just fight with him again.
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